I've debated for weeks about what to say here. One word says it best about what I feel inside: Numb. Despite the fact that I feel sad, alone, distraught, angry, and empty, I really, truly feel nothing inside. I'm not in healing mode, I'm just try to survive. Putting one foot in front of the other is next to impossible when your heart hurts too much to move.

I would like to give a sincere thank you to everyone who has helped me and my family get through this immensely difficult time. If it wasn't for the love and support of those around me, I most definitely wouldn't be making it through. Words can do so much, but it's those who put their words into action that make me truly feel loved.

Goin' campin'!

It's ward campout time! I won't be blogging tomorrow. No internet---ahhh! I can't wait!

See you again Saturday :)

A little motivation for my sis :)

Motivation. That word is a curse word in my dictionary. I don't know how to define it, find it, hold on to it, and I sure as heck don't know how to spread it around. Those brief times in my life that I feel close to it, I find it ripped from my routine never to be found again for years. It's a harsh reality, and more than likely will be a life-long battle to even be able to say it outloud.

In an attempt to assist Katee, I've found a few things which will hopefully help her in her own journey.

An article by Marvin J. Ashton covered all different kinds of challenges, from physical addictions to mental obstacles. He says it best here.

2 Nephi 1:23: Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust.

It's easy to fight when everything's right,
And you're
mad with the thrill and the glory;
It's easy to cheer when victory's near,
And wallow in fields that are gory.
It's a different song when
everything's wrong.
When you're feeling infernally mortal;
When it's ten
against one, and hope there is none,
Buck up, little soldier, and chortle:

Carry on! Carry on!
There isn't much punch in your blow.
You're
glaring and staring and hitting out blind;
You're muddy and bloody, but
never mind.
Carry on! Carry on!
You haven't the ghost of a show.
It's looking like death, but while you've a breath,
Carry on, my son!
Carry on!

And so in the strife of the battle of life
It's easy to
fight when you're winning;
It's easy to slave, and starve and be brave,
When the dawn of success is beginning.
But the man who can meet despair
and defeat
With a cheer, there's a man of God's choosing;
The man who
can fight to Heaven's own height
Is the man who can fight when he's losing.

Carry on! Carry on!
Things never were looming so black.
But show
that you haven't a cowardly streak,
And though you're unlucky you never are
weak.
Carry on! Carry on!
Brace up for another attack.
It's looking
like hell, but - you never can tell;
Carry on, old man! Carry on!

There are some who drift out in the deserts of doubt,
And some who
in brutishness wallow;
There are others, I know, who in piety go
Because
of a Heaven to follow.
But to labor with zest, and to give of your best,
For the sweetness and joy of the giving;
To help folks along with a hand
and a song;
Why, there's the real sunshine of living.

Carry on!
Carry on!
Fight the good fight and true;
Believe in you mission, greet
life with a cheer;
There's big work to do, and that's why you are here.
Carry on! Carry on!
Let the world be the better for you;
And at last
when you die, let this be your cry:
Carry on, my soul! Carry on!

Robert W. Service

"Think that it's fun, that you're guided, and that all is well. Think that there's time, that life is easy, and that the best is yet to come. Think that the reasons that elude you will one day catch up, that the lessons that stumped you will one day bring joy, and that the sorrows that have crippled you will soon give you wings. Think that you're important, that you cannot fail, and that happiness always returns. And think that you're beautiful."

--Robert Dooley

And if all else fails...

Love ya, sis :)

And then there were 3...

Ah, another week, another round of MEH songs. Lets get right to it. I'm tired and want to go to bed :P

Casey - I LOVE THIS SONG. And Eric Hutchinson (the original singer). I'm nervous.
He was OK. It's not exactly a hard song. I'm pretty sure I've come close to American Idol status singing this song alone in my car on the way to work. I can't say I'm fully impressed, as it wasn't a difficult song to pull off. I need to go listen to the real thing now. I might post it below :)

Crystal - Such a cliche' song :/
Her harmonica is distracting. I distracted myself over to facebook, which means I wasn't too thrilled. I guess it was OK. I'm not a huge fan of the song in the first place, so I really have no say. Next!

Lee - *sigh*
Pitchy right off the bat. I've never heard this song before, but it was good. He got to use the raw parts of his voice, which is great :) Not too bad, but it didn't blow me away.

Casey - AWW! I love "Daughters" :) :)
I like the change-up. It wasn't completely the John Mayer version, which was nice! The problem is, John Mayer has such a powerful way of singing this song, and I just felt like he fell short on his attempt. His boredom for the song showed through in a bad way :(

Crystal - Oooo...interesting song choice!
Good energy. The middle of the song where she belted the song out was actually nice! She wasn't the cliche' yelly Crystal I've been so annoyed with lately. Nice job, dude!

Lee - I have no idea what this song is. Hm.
Oh my gosh...have I ever mentioned Lee is sexy? Well, tonight he proved it, yet again :) Aw, Mr. Sexypants got a little emotional :) I love it!

My money is on Lee :) Go Mr. SP!

Bad night

I'm too depressed to blog tonight. My poor Suns lost, miserably. Blah!

I'm going to attempt to donate plasma again tomorrow after work. Wish me luck! I need the $$$!

Naps

Maybe Sunday naps aren't such a good idea. After all the festivities last night, I was so exhausted I took a SMALL one hour nap. It is now 1:15am and I'm not even a little bit tired. Or maybe it was the massive Dr. Pepper I had. Hm.

Welcome to the beginning of a new week :) Lets hope it's a good one--one that doesn't involve being tragedy, job loss, or anything else that has plagued all our minds lately!

My night as a designated driver

You know how they always say you need to find things out for yourself rather than rely on someone else's experiences? Tonight was that night.

I agreed to go out with some coworkers tonight for a bachelorette party. The plan was to go to dinner and a club. I've never been to a club before, and had personally never wanted to, but I said yes.

Dinner was good. The club was OK. All my time was spent people watching, which is usually fun, but not when you see girls provocatively dressed and guys grinding up on them. Yikes. My friends all got drunk, which I was expecting. I proudly wore the bright green "Designated Driver" wristband and sat off to the side the whole time.

Why is it so hard to convince people not to drive home drunk? I tried to made sure beforehand that everyone had rides arranged, and half the people said, "I'll be fine. I'll only drink a little bit." Yeah, sure...

I drove two people to their car a few miles away, but they insisted they were fine to drive home. How do I stop them? It's so frustrating!!!

I'm so glad clubs and booze aren't my scene. It was nice to get out of the house, but I cannot see myself ever being in that situation again. Why do people do it?

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

Does anyone watch this show? *coughCAMILLEcough*

I've had all the episodes on my DVR for a few weeks and finally decided to watch one. One turned in to two, and two turned in to me crying and laughing and nearly throwing up.

OH MY GOSH.

How can a kid think a tomato is a potato? Or not recognize broccoli? Or not know french fries come from potatoes? It's so sad!

Please chime in if you're a regular viewer of this show. I need to have some venting buddies, because I cannot believe the things they showed and I'm so disgusted processed food has taken over the world.

I'm certainly not the poster-child for healthy eating, but if anything motivates me to change, it's seeing real life proof and witnessing how something so small can destroy your body and mentality.

Watching how disgusting school food has become makes me want to go binge on celery and apples. How can we feed our kids this crap? Better yet, why aren't we doing anything about it?

My Scottie manacotti turned 12 today!

It all started 12 years ago today.

I was in middle school, 7th grade. Katee was in 8th. We had two sisters that were expecting and anxiously awaiting the arrival of the first unknown-gender baby :)

I was on my way to art class with Mr. Winget, and Katee excitedly stopped me in the hall to tell me the good news.

Natalie had her baby! And it was a boy! And his name is Scott!

"Who names their kid Scott?!" I said :) I then went in to class and proclaimed I had become and aunt for the first time today. Can you tell I was proud?

Fast forward 12 years later, and my Scottie-boy is now old enough to pass the sacrement and enter young mens! Instead of the traditional birthday call, I texted him! Poor kid has a cell phone. I never thought I'd see the day!

Happy Birthday, Scottie potty!

AI Top 4!

Welcome back to another week of reviewing the show that no one cares about anymore, but takes up space on my DVR so I feel obligated to watch :)

Lee - When he sang in the rehearsal, I thought I might die. Have I ever mentioned he's very, very, very good looking? I'm pretty sure he's singing to me when he looks so lovingly at the camera :) I love this song!
I think the song was great for him, but it was very safe. I loved the rough parts of the song, but the rest was just OK. He missed the UMPH factor. It could have been much more creative!

Michael - What is this song from?! It sounds so familiar. It sounds a bit too gospel, which I guess isn't such a bad thing. Good vocals. Very predictable--he needs to branch out more!

Lee & Crystal - What a great combo! I liked 90% of it, but they seemed a little flat in some parts. Maybe they were trying to harmonize too hard. Hm. P.S. I've never seen Lee smile that big :D

Casey - Whoa, weird rehearsal. Not thrilled with the song choice as it's a very boring, flat song. We'll see.
Is it just me or does his hair look crimped? His vocals were good, but I didn't feel the song at all. There's just no range in it. Meh.

Crystal - I think I'm a little Crysal'ed out. Her voice is a bit nails-on-the-chalkboard-ey now. It's a good song and the vocals were great, but I think I'm over her powerful-ish voice. 6/10.

Casey & Mike - Ah! I love this song! Don't mess it up!
Great guitar playing from Casey. I was impressed. Not the greatest mix of voices, but good vocals. Well done!

Ellen's joke at the end sealed the whole show! "As a matter of fact, yes, I have loved a woman."

Second failure

I'm so discouraged.

I donated plasma again tonight and got about 95% of the way done, and my veins collapsed! The tech messed around with the needle in my arm a few times and I immediately got sick. UGH! The last time I went in, they told me if I had a lightheaded episode again, they'd permanently defer me from donating plasma again!

I asked the people there what the verdict was, but they said the staff doctor (who wasn't there at the time) would have the final say if I got to donate again. This is so sad!

I drank so much water today I thought I was going to die. Seriously. I made myself sick with water! I didn't even know that was possible!

Water...yuck!

I was finally able to donate plasma again on Friday night. It took nearly 3 hours, but I finished! My veins collapsed a few times and the phlebotamist said it was because I need to drink more water.

My goal tonight is to drink 2 liters of water before bed. Luckily I don't care about waking up to go pee, but I hope I can make it through the night without a stomach ache. Blah! Sometimes water tastes so gross.

Anyone have any tips for how to down lots of water? I usually drink double the amount I usually do when I'm drinking it with a meal--that's the only tip I can think of.

Check out my battle scar!

I hope all you mothers had a great mother's day! Yesterday was my 100th blog post :)

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all you current and future mothers out there!

Even I, the fur-mama, got a happy mother's day from my little fella :)

P.S. My mom can beat up your mom. True story. I love you, mom! :)

Strawberry Coconut Cake

I promised a bunch of people I'd post this recipe after making it last night and taking it in to work. I hope someone duplicates it and lets me know how it turns out!

2 1/2 c. flour
2 t. baking powder
1 t. baking soda
1 (14 oz.) can sweetened condensed milk
1 c. fresh puree'd strawberries
2 T. sugar (optional)
2 t. vanilla
1 c. melted butter
1/2 c. shredded coconut

Mix all ingredients together well. Mixture will be thick and cookie-like.

Liberally spray a bundt cake pan with non-stick cooking spray. Sprinkle extra coconut inside the empty pan, evenly and lightly covering all the sides and bottom of the pan. Carefully spoon batter into the pan, so as to keep the coconut along the sides.

Bake at 325 for 20-30 minutes, or until an inserted toothpick comes out clean.

Allow to cool completely on a rack before frosting.

The frosting I used was a mixture of puree'd strawberries, cream cheese, powdered sugar, white chocolate, and vanilla. Sprinkle fresh coconut on top of the frosted cake.

I made this recipe up!!! So happy :)

Summer!

I love summer!

Soon...

Flip flops all around!!!

And...

A bit of lounging in the pool...Luckily I have one right around the corner from me!

Or...

Maybe just a bit of tanning? Oh yeah, baby!

What's your favorite summer activity?

Kelly, hurry up and finish your finals so we can go swimmingggggg!!! :)

A little Sinatra, a little Connick Jr.--I'm in heaven!

Two of the best romantic singers ever. I have to preface by saying I know my Sinatra. I have most of his CD's and I know nearly every song word-for-word. I love him! I will be sincerely crushed if these "singers" don't do him justice. He is and always will be my favorite :)

These top 5 had better not blow it! Here goes nothing...

Aaron - Bahaha! I love the cute little man-suit.
No. No. No. No. NO. Fly Me To The Garbage! That's such a big and LOUD song, and there was NO UMPH. Boooooo! He had no energy. Send him home.

Is Lee on yet? Come on!

Casey - Whew. Horribly out of tune at the beginning. I appreciate the fact that he's picking a different tempo of song than he has before. The song totally didn't do it for me--it was just awkward from beginning to end! Maybe I'm just a Sinatra snob. I'm not sure :)

Crystal - Hm. Halfway through and I'm not quite sure how I feel. The band is ROCKIN' awesome! I love me some good trumpet playing!
Crystal...right. Kind of OK. Nothing really stuck out to me as great, but it wasn't throwing tomatoes bad. Meh.

Mike - One of my top 3 favorite Sinatra songs. Whewwwww!
Pitchy. Not what I was expecting! The chorus came together, but I wasn't as thrilled as I thought I would be given he's a jazz-y singer. 7/10.

Lee - Lee + Frank Sinatra = HOLY CREPES. I love it already...I totally cracked up when Harry said he looks like a younger version of him. Hilarious! I'm excited after listening to the raw version in the coaching session...
FREAKIN' AWESOME! I loved it! I felt like I was actually listening to a CD. He was in tune, on tempo, and had a great balance with the band. Hands down, the winner for the evening. GO LEE!

'In the criminal justice system..."

Is it bad when you had 121 episodes of Law & Order: SVU on your DVR and 2 weeks later you only have 19? Whoops.

I think I'm addicted. I'm even watching it as we speak.



I think I got it from my mom. I remember watching TV with her when I was younger and as soon as Law & Order came on, the whole house had to be quiet so she didn't miss any of the episode. Thanks a lot, mom! You're an enable to my addiction :)

Back-blogging: Yes, Aunt Judy, I did the red blood text on purpose! Plasma can be donated every two days, no more than twice in a 7 day period. I'm going again tomorrow after work :)

Favorite exercise songs!

What's your favorite song to exercise to?

For years now, I've always had Move Along by All-American Rejects on my playlist. It's fast, has a great beat, and the song is awesome!



More recently, I have Good Life by One Republic on my playlist. I first heard it in a movie theater and I've been hooked ever since!



Please, share your favorite exercise song! I need to build up my playlist :)

Peanut butter squares, anyone?

I fell asleep trying to think of a topic for tonight's blog. I don't think that's a good sign!

It's been a long week and it's FINALLY FRIDAY! What better way to celebrate than with CHOCOLATE and PEANUT BUTTER!!!

One of my all-time favorites. Super simple and tastes just like Reese's. This is for you, Tiffanie!

2 sticks butter, softened
2 c peanut butter
1 lb powdered sugar
1 package graham crackers (one of the wrapped inner packages, not the whole box)
12 oz milk chocolate chips

Mix together the first 4 ingredients and spread evenly on a cookie sheet.

Melt the chocolate and spread over mixture.

Cut the squares while the chocolate is still melted (very important!) and refrigerate.

Now, if I only had any peanut butter...

Phoenix Children's Hospital Give-a-thon!

I had the pleasure of volunteering to take pledges for the Phoenix Children's Hospital tonight for their annual Give-a-thon. I can sum up my experience with one word:

AMAZING!


Before we set foot in the hospital, we came across a man and his son who had been going to the hospital for 4 years because of his daughter's illness. On the way in, he passed a nurse who knew him by name and I heard him say they're back because his daughter had another seizure. So sad :(


I wish I had a video of the TV broadcast, but I don't think they share them. I did take a few pics, though!

View from the phones of the camera

View when the lights and camera were on

Annmarie cleaning up when we finished

Last year, the TV anchor Mark Curtis said if a pledge came in for $12,000 he'd shave off his life-long mustache. Lo and behold, a call came in, and he did it! They tried to do it again this year, but I don't think anyone called in with the full amount. Here's the volunteer's spoof of the mustache prank :)

I'm so glad I went to this event! It was nice to get away from my troubles and take time to give back to people who truly make difference. I'll definitely be going back next year! Maybe even before.

Total raised: $210,000!

Final 6!

Welcome back to another week of American Idol judged by a girl who has absolutely no credibility or really even cares, but nothing better is on TV :)

Here we go! Shania Twain! I love her!

Lee -- Ohmygoodnessgracioushe'ssogoodlooking!!! Whoa. Focus. Ouch. Very out of tune. Come on Lee! Energy-8/10, vocals 2/10, looks (duh) 12.3/10, total: 6. Hopefully it's not his last performance. Sorely disappointed :(

Mike -- Ever notice how he sings only soul songs? Sure, that's his style, but it's getting horribly boring. I stopped listening halfway through to stare at Beesley gnawing on his rawhide. It was slightly more entertaining than Mike's performance. Sorry. Next!

Casey -- Amazing. Slow, which I usually don't like, but he was actually in tune the whole time! I could fall asleep his singing this song to me--in a good way! Would definitely like to see him back next week.

Crystal -- One of my favorite Shania songs! I love the personal connection she shared before she started :) I bet he proposes when she's done...
A bit too folky for me. A little too slow, too. It's an upbeat song, no? Hey, at least she was in tune!

Aaron -- Meh. He's so young!! He was horribly out of tune tonight (what's new...) but the chorus was good, once it got faster paced. I predict he's a gonner tomorrow.

Shioban -- Another one of my favorite Shania songs :) The first half was great, but I think she kind of tuckered out for the rest. It was out of tune, lagged, and was just...odd. 6/10.

Stay tuned next week when we take on the top 5! As long as I get to see sexy Lee, I'm fine :)

P.S. If you're in Arizona, make sure you watch channel 12 (KPNX, NBC) tomorrow night at 10. I'm going to be on the news! I'm taking pledges for the Phoenix Children's Hospital and the news is being broadcast live there. Whooohoo!

Day one. Sort of.

I almost died tonight.

My friend gave me his used manual treadmill about a year ago. Of course I've never used it. Since I'm interested in the Couch to 5K program and am dreading the coming 100+ degree days here, I brought it out for a little test drive.

A big girl and a small manual treadmill do not mix. It's a good thing I was holding on to the side bars when I stepped on it. The fixed incline is so high I immediately slipped. Stupidly, I broke out into a run right when it first moved, and next thing I know, I'm running 10 MPH on an unstable piece of cheap plastic.

Needless to say, if I'm truly going to succeed on this ever-so-enticing journey, I'm going to need better equipment.

I'm not quite ready for humanity to see me run, so for the first few weeks, at least, I'm keeping the exercise to the inside of my home. It's better for everyone. Trust me ;)

Thanks for all your immense support! Anaise, I'm counting on you to keep me updated on your own progress!

I see the girl I want to be, riding bareback, carefree along the shore

A few years ago, Katee introduced me to a song by Natasha Bedingfield called "Wild Horses". In that song, there is a line:
I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bareback, carefree along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumpin' head first headlong without a fall
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free



On that note, I'm introducing my next journey! The couch to 5k program.

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Can I do it? Of course I can.

How? That's where you come in.

All motivation and good intentions aside, can I really do it? Being that I'm not in any shape to be a runner and I live in the hottest state in the US, is it feasable?

I'm sick of sitting by and watching my life pass me by. I want to be that runner that I envision myself as nearly every single day. Just as the song says, I want to break free. It's time to push myself out of my comfort zone and make real, tangible progress.

What are your thoughts?

Sometimes, you just need a little pick-me-up :)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

What's your favorite motivational song?

Lemon Love

I love anything lemon. I'm addicted. I can't get enough! From the sheer smell of them to the way they tickle your tongue--I'm hooked!

I'm on a quest to find the best lemon recipes. Whether they're your Grandma's famous lemon bars or your homemade lemon candles, I want your tips and recipes!

Help a girl out here...please? :)

(I'm currently drinking homemade lemonade. The sickness is THAT bad!)

I love to cook!

I got up early, worked 10 hours, and still had time to make a magnificent meal for dinner!

Big thanks to Liz for her asparagus recipe. They were rockin'!

Tonights menu:

Oven roasted asparagus and asian-style salmon filets :) YUM!

I drizzled the asparagus with olive oil and tossed them with fresh ground pepper and a little salt. The salmon, I drizzled light soy sauce, olive oil, fresh ground pepper and ground garlic. Baked both at 375 for about 20 minutes, tossing both halfway through.

Looking at these pictures makes me want seconds....yum!!!

Biggest Loser, credit union style

For the last 12 weeks, myself a group of my coworkers have been participating in a biggest loser contest. It's something I've done with different groups at different branches, and it really helps me get a jumpstart on my personal goals. The first time we had the contest, I lost around 35 pounds.

The winner, Michelle, lost a total of 9% of her body weight! She won the contest by far, and looks amazing! All in all, our group lost about 50 pounds. Not too shabby (or should I say flabby?) ;)

The best part about all of this is they want to keep going! Even after 12 weeks, we've all agreed to keep holding our weekly motivational meetings and weigh-ins. I love when we all work together for one common goal :)

I challenged the group to lose 10% of their starting weight, a lofty goal, for sure, but one that will prove beneficial for ALL of us. I have about 7% more to go.

Thank you all for your kind words and picking me up when I was down. I know I'm not a failure at all, I just need to keep my spirits high. Writing helps me accomplish that :)

Part 2: American Idol, according to Malena

Another week, another set of mediocre singers.

I feel a sad Andrew absence. When all 7 remaining contestants walked out on stage when the show started, I shead a hypothetical tear. Oh well, he had his chance!

Casey - He had no stage presence tonight. I want to see him walking around on stage, jamming! He stood in one spot the whole time and tried to be animated doing only that. It doesn't work that way! The song was good, no complaints there. Maybe a liiiiitle bit more UMPH?

Lee - I love how when he looks at the camera, it's like he's looking through your SOUL. I love it! He looked specially handsome tonight. He's just...mmm! OK, focus Malena. Interesting song choice. Mixed feelings? I give it a 7 out of 10. He was horribly out of tune at the end, but good chorus.

Tim - I'm writing this as he's talking about the song he's about to sing. Thing is, I LOVE THIS SONG. He'd better not mess it up. I'll keel him. 30 seconds later: Keel me. He butchered it. Out of tune, BORING, and no soul. Send him HOOOOOOME! Next.

Aaron - Again, writing this before I hear the performance. It's a great song and he's sounding great in the practice...
Best performance EVER, and I don't even like him! I was very impressed. A couple out of tune spots, but overall very nice. I'll keep him another week!

Siobhan - Meh. She tried WAY too hard. Watching her face contort was actually kind of painful. The high, long note was the only good part about the performance.

Michael - Not quite sure how this song qualifies as an inspirational song. Just because it has the word Hero in it doesn't mean it's a positive song. Odd. Anyway, very weird performance. I didn't really like it! He does a really good job with soulful songs, but everything else falls short, in my opinion. Not a good night for him.

Crystal - I got temporarily distracted during her performance by stalking a TV personality online. Whoops!
Very good performance. Even the crying at the end was OK! 9/10. I think she'll win...

Until next week. Well, the AI part, at least.

Love you all!

Real change

How do you know when you're ready to change?

I mean truly change--I'll never look back type of change.

Sometimes I think the reason I have such a hard time changing is because I'm not ready. I may SAY I'm ready and truly believe it, but why is it that I still fail when I try?

More specifically I'm referring to weight loss. Why is it that I set myself up in every way possible to succeed, but I can never reach my goal? I may do well for months, but inevitably I fail. Was it because I wasn't ready to begin with? Was it because I wasn't in the right mindset?
Was it because that's not what I need to be focusing on at that time in my life?

I met a woman online the other day on an online forum who, after the horrible breakup with her boyfriend, decided to change her life. She went on to lose 120 pounds in 4 months. I'm not advocating that type of weight loss in any way, but does it take something drastic like that for most people to change? I have my reasons for wanting to change, but are they not deep enough?

I want to change so badly. I hate the way my life has become. I'm not happy like I used to be and the very thought of changing everything about myself makes me ill because my track record of success has been null.

I went through a horrible experience in September involving a friend. I vowed after that trauma to change the way I live. Instead of that, I went into a deep depression I can't seem to get myself out of.

I look forward every day to changing the way I am, but the execution just isn't there. What's wrong with my process?

Goals for the week of April 19

I like this weekly goal thing I started last week!

This week, on top of getting to work on time, I'm going to focus on eating a full breakfast. This includes a dairy, starch, fat, and protein serving.

Any meal ideas that would include all of those items?

The Nicholas Sparks complex

There are 4 basic requirements for every Nicholas Sparks film. I know he writes books, but we're not going to get into that right now.

1: Death
2: Rain
3: Romeo/Juliet relationship
4: A break up/reconciliation

Yet, we women spend millions and millions of dollars in tissues alone just to flock to a horribly depressing movie, throwing all suspension of disbelief to the wind, and there, sometime in that 1 hour and 47 minutes, our fairly tale dreams grow just a little bit more.

I have a love/hate relationship with Nicholas Sparks. On one hand, he feeds the very park of me that craves a sappy chick flick, but then again, half the tears I cry during his films are from the fact that the acting is amateur, at best.

As I sat through "The Last Song" tonight and heard my friend two seats over bawling her eyes out, I thought, why do we subject ourselves to this torture? This is not how love is! Death does not have a happy ending like it does in the movies. So, why do we continue to eat it up?

Educate me.

I'm off to watch the end of "Nights in Rodanthe". No one has died. Yet.

Week in review

As promised, I'm reporting back on making it to work on time this week.

I made 4 out of 5 days right on the dot. Thursday morning, I discovered my route to work was blocked off due to construction, so I had to take an alternate route. Despite leaving home 10 minutes early, I still clocked in one minute late! Lame! Well, I can always improve next week.

Because I've started waking up earlier, I've been able to sneak in a quick breakfast nearly every morning (where the smoothie recipe request came from), which really made my whole working day better.

To end my week, my boss, on his way out for the week, dropped off two movie tickets at my desk. What a great week! Small changes yield the greatest results :)

I've neglected my ritual of catching up on all your blogs. Off I go to read, read, read!

Carrot cake, anyone?

Ahh, thank you ALL so much for your recipe ideas yesterday! I love them all, and will probably be taking a variation of every one of them :)

According to little Miss Senf (Rachel!) I should not be asking for recipes, but sharing my own!

I shuffled through my favorites to find one perfect for today. Please note how I like to arrange my food splattered and stained recipes:

Best ever freakin' delicious carrot cake with cream cheese frosting

Cake:
4 eggs
1 1/2 C oil (I use Canola)
2 C white sugar
2 t vanilla
2 C flour
2 t baking soda
2 t baking powder
1/2 t salt
2 t ground cinnamon
3 C grated carrots
1 C chopped pecans (optional--I don't add them)

Frosting:
1/2 C butter, softened
8 oz cream cheese, softened
4 C powdered sugar
1 t vanilla
1 C chopped pecans (optional--I don't add them)

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350. Grease 2 round or 1 9 x 13 pans (I prefer the round pans to make a layered cake)

The recipe says to combine the dry and wet ingredients seperately and then combine together, but I just throw it all in a huge bowl and mix it at once. Yes, I'm lazy :)

Bake until an inserted toothpick comes out clean (40-50 minutes depending on the pans you're using) I'm pretty sure I cooked it less, but I like ultra moist cake.

Let the cake sit in pan(s) for 10 minutes, then let cool completely on a wire rack. I usually let them sit overnight.

Beat the ingredients for the frosting in a bowl until smooth and have at it!

It has carrots, so it must be healthy, right?!

I made this cake for Kelly's birthday. It was freakin' delicious, but she said it was too RICH! See if I ever make a cake for you again, Kelly! :P

Need recipes

I need two good tried and true recipes.

1: Smoothie. Must have no added sugar and less than 5 ingredients. I have strawberries and bananas as the main fruits.

2: Roasted asparagus, or any other variety of cooking. Not many more ingredients other than asparagus and oil.

I have these three cartons of strawberries and bunch of asparagus I need to get rid of tomorrow.

Thanks much :)

American Idol, according to Malena

Now that I have a DVR, I've actually started watching shows other than The Office, like American Idol! While this season of AI leaves a lot to be desired, I still have a few comments and observations. Feel free to chime in and give your two cents :)

(Comments are based on tonight's episode as well as the season as a whole)

Crystal - The dreads are getting old. I do like her, and I like that she's consistent, but I can't look at her anymore.

Andrew - By far my favorite. I may or may not have actually fallen in love with him when he first auditioned. I know he's known as a one-hit-wonder, and I believe it's true, too, but I still love him. He completely screwed up his chances tonight, though. Adam Lambert was spot on when he told him his pre-performance was boring and I'm sad he didn't take his advice to pump the song up. He'll be gone tomorrow, for sure.

Tim - UGH!!! Why is he still there?! I KNEW he couldn't sing since day one, but week after week they keep him on. I can't stand him. His voice is OK during a chord, but once it tapers off, he sounds like a frog that got stuck in a garbage disposal. Tonight was just added to the fact that I very much dislike him. It was horrible! I don't care what anyone say. Boooooooo!!! *Throws a virtual tomato*

Lee - He's a sexy man. Not gonna lie. He's good sometimes, but other times he misses the UMPH. Tonight was stellar and very intense. I'm not sure he's #1 material, but I wouldn't be surprised if he makes it far! Pardon me while I go stare at him a little longer...

Aaron - I don't like him. But, I was pleasantly surprised tonight! I didn't look at my TV once because every time I see his face I cringe--there's just something about it! Not looking at the TV helped me like tonight's performance. Despite this, I think he's out soon. Or, I hope so :)

Siobhan - Meh. Forgetable. I haven't paid too much attention to her this season. She was pretty good tonight, but she fluffs up songs WAY too much. Not my taste, what can I say.

Michael - Great performance tonight. I've never heard that song before, but coming from him, it was like a brand new song that just came out. The ONLY thing I don't like about him is that he wasn't there for his baby's birth. I know that's trivial, but I've never quite gotten over it. He could very well make it to the top two :)

Katie - Isn't she like 16? I kind of like her, I guess, but she'd be better off leaving and getting professional lessons and coming back in a few years. I don't see much of anything special about her. Meh.

Casey - He definitely seemed off tonight. I didn't see the UMPH he usually gives, and that was very disappointing! He's not my favorite, but I also don't hate him. Possibly in the top...hm...5.

P.S. Woke up at 6:40 today, got to work 3 minutes early and brought my lunch again :)

It made all the difference!

This morning started off rough. I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep until 4:30 which made it significantly harder to wake up at 6. After pressing the snooze button until 7 (whoops!) I finally dragged myself out of bed.

I didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but I did bring my lunch and I was 5 minutes early to work, even after hitting traffic!

I felt so good this morning. I ate a significant, healthy breakfast because I wasn't too rushed and I'm glad I didn't blow money at yet another fast food joint for lunch.

I can't wait to wake up even earlier tomorrow! Tonights goal: 30 minutes of exercise and to bed by 11! I only have an hour left...

I have a goal...

For this week. Every day this week!

I'm not going to be late to work. [Late for me is about 3 minutes] I hate that I'm always late! I just need to get my butt up 3 minutes earlier (or more) and I'll be set...but NOOOOO...I have to press my snooze button 30 times!

You all can feel free to check up on me by Friday. I'm off to bed! I need my beauty sleep :)

Dog in boots

I had to buy baby socks today.

No, I'm not pregnant. :)

Beesley's been scratching horribly lately because of hot spots, and after spending a ton of money on remedies I found online, I finally had to put a stop to the scratching right from the source--his paws.

Yes, those are socks on his paws. He looks so HAPPY, doesn't he?!

Poor dog. Hopefully this will help!

Blegh!, cont.

Anaise brought up a good point in the comments of yesterday's blog.

Why don't I start a garden? Here's why:

That's the extent of my "garden". I'd also like to note that this picture was taken on the day these flowers were planted (they were pre-grown) and within 2 weeks, they were all dead.

What is one to do when they don't have the room for a garden? Or obviously not blessed with a green thumb?

I'm stuck eating grocery store produce :(

Blegh!

I went to the grocery store today for the first time in a few weeks (I do a good job of making my food last!). I'm so disgusted with how bad food products have gotten. I've always been an advocate of home cooking--got that from my mom, the future cook in the celestial kingdom :)

It might have been the fact that I watched Food, Inc., or it might be the fact that I've been feeling like crap lately and I know exactly why--processed foods.

I'm sitting here watching an episode of Unwrapped on the Food Network and they're making Grandma's brand chocolate chip cookies. They had the audacity to call them homemade! Seriously...tell me how ANY part of those cookies is homemade. If you add ingredients we can't even pronounce and they last for 3 decades, THEY'RE NOT HOMEMADE!

When you go to the grocery store and buy a package of oven roasted turkey (on sale this week 2/$5.00) do you realize that only like 1% of that "meat" is acually meat? Or, when you go to the deli and have them slice "fresh" turkey that's in the shape of a large ice cube--that's not real meat either!

I browsed the meat section to see what was on sale, and I almost bought a pork roast...until I saw on the label "contains up to 20% salt and other nutrients for taste". So, you're buying 80% (maybe) meat and 20% a whole lot of other crap your body doesn't need.

I'm not trying to criticize anyone for buying this food, I'm guilty of it, too! But, why is that the norm now? It literally makes me sick to buy food like this now. If even find myself questioning if the "whole wheat flour" I buy for my bread in the nice 5 lb. bag is REALLY whole wheat flour. I'd try to buy it from a local farmer and grind it myself, but how do I know they didn't spray the plants with some kind of harmful chemical to keep bugs away?

I don't know. Call me paranoid, but I think this world has become WAY too naive for our own good.

Grooming school drop-out!

Tonight I attempted to groom Beesley. Figuring I can save myself a boat-load of money by doing his grooming myself, I invested in an electric shaver.


Can you tell which side I did and which side I didn't do? (Humor me, please ;)

Side 1

Side 2

Petrified dog!

My pant leg was COVERED in hair. I think I have magnetic pants!

Half of the hair I trimmed off. The other half is all over me.

I don't think I should quit my day job...

Did you know...

My mom is selling her house!

The huge yellow For Sale sign was put out yesterday. Here are the pictures from the realtor, complete with the remodeled bathroom (do any of you remember what it used to look like? Double toilets!)

Goodbye 24 years of memories :(

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm so out of my element today.

I've had a raging temper for about 2-3 weeks now. I throw things. I scream. I tense up my whole body, and then I vent.

What's wrong with this (besides the obvious) is I have NEVER had a temper before. I had a blow-up at work today (luckily only one person witnessed it) and tonight, when I decided to upload my pics from my digital camera to my laptop to post on this blog--and it didn't work--I freaked out!

Lord, please bless me with patience. I'm about to go insane. Literally.

So, don't get after me for not posting the Easter update like I promised--I might have a nervous breakdown!

Maybe I need a new mantra...

I'm alive!

I'm so sorry I haven't kept up with my blog all weekend! I had limited internet access in Utah and I couldn't connect from my laptop.

I've been driving for 11 hours today and am SUPER tired, so I'm going to post a big blog tomorrow with a bunch of pics from my trip and Easter! I wanted to let those who read this know I'm still here :)

Wet dog = YUCK!!!

I feel like I have a messy kid.

Well, I kind of do--his name is Beesley and he has 4 legs and a tail.

In preparation for our Utah trip tomorrow (and hour upon hour in a cramped car with three adults and a dog), I decided to give him a bath tonight. My house now REEKS of wet dog, laundry and bread. The last two aren't too bad, but in combination with the wet dog, I'm seriously considering sleeping in my car.

Next time around: I'm getting a hairless dog. Or, they'll be shaved every week.

Too bad he's cute all wet, eh?

Malena vs. Motivation

There are some days when I feel SO GOOD! and I'm pretty positive I can take on the world. I feel like that right now.

But then, I get discouraged thinking of all the dozens and dozens of times I've failed and just how miserable of a climb this whole journey is going to be.

Is it realistic to be 100% positive 100% of the time? No.

Can I bottle up how I feel right now and take a peek into the full jar later when I'm on the verge of giving up and throwing my emotions into a large order of french fries? I wish.

I need to figure out a way to do just that.

Any suggestions?

Homesick

I miss my family.

I never thought I'd say it, but I'm HOMESICK!

Off to Utah in 3 days...

Mantras

One day at a time.

I've been repeating it for nearly 2 months now. Why?

During one of my many weight-loss endeavors, I attended a 12 week course through a local hospital run by a licensed psychologist. One of the first things we discussed was the importance of mantras--phrases you repeat to yourself subconsciously. The hope is, through the literal beating of the phrase into your head, that it'll eventually sink in. A lot of people practice this for such things as boosting self-esteem, breaking bad habits, and for me, it's to stop me from crashing and losing hope.

So, on a day like today, where I just feel *blah*, I ate too much, and I had a severe lack of motivation, I just keep repeating to myself: Take it all one day at a time. There is no failure. There are no let downs because you get to start all over again tomorrow.

A new day has come :) And it will be better than yesterday.

Friday, March 26. I swear!

It's 1:15am on Saturday, but I haven't had a spare minute to write my blog yet! This counts as Friday's blog :D I went out with some girl friends tonight for a much needed dinner/movie/gab session. Oh, how I love getting out of the house!

The work news is that I'm getting a promotion, of sorts. My boss told me yesterday that he and I are moving to a different floor to start an exclusive department (my "department" has always been obsorbed by other, larger departments, me being the head, and several random employees acting as my back-ups). The hope is to hire a third person to help us, but for now, we get to do allllll the work. I'm excited and terrified at the same time.

Remember this blog? I started on Monday and I'm doing pretty well. So far I've gone on a 30 minute (actually 28 minute) bike ride, walked Beesley to the park, cleaned my room for 15 mintues, and today, I read an uplifting article. Here it is!

Is it a coincidence that when I'm doing the things I'm supposed to be doing (IE: work), amazing opportunities come into my life? I think not :)

What a day!

I don't think I've ever had a day where I've gone through such a scope of emotions.

The day started off fine, but something odd happened at work and I was in a serious panic for almost the rest of the day.

I might have a big problem with overreacting. It was horrible!

Come to find out, my agony was all in vain. Something REALLY good happened today (but I can't tell you until tomorrow!)

I'm SO exhausted and I still haven't finished the "task" I drew today: clean my room for 15 mintues.

More to come tomorrow :)