Only you could fill the void I feel inside right now. Why did you have to go so early? 4 years ago I didn't know what I was missing. Why do I now feel remorse for words left unsaid. I never told you I Love You. I hope you know I do. When I'm down, I want my dad. After I moved out I used to avoid calling home because I was afraid you'd answer, and I didn't really want to talk to you. Now it makes me sick to think of how selfish I was. What I would give to be able to call home and have you answer. What I would give to take back the time I yelled that I hated you for not giving me something I wanted. You gave it to me anyway, because that's what dad's do. Did I ever say thank you?
Mom told me a few months ago that I was a daddy's girl when I was a child. I bet you were so proud of that. Would you be proud of me now, despite all the mistakes I've made? You loved mom at her best and her worst. I hope I can find a man like you, but I know I can't. You're greater than any man I know.
Every time I pass that exit in Flagstaff where Julia called to tell me you had passed on, I ache a little more. I kick myself every day for not leaving on November 25th. I stayed home because I wanted to sleep so I could be ready for the drive the next day. How selfish I was, again. I didn't make it in time to see your last day.
I remember a phone call from you, it might have been the last time I talked to you on the phone. You told me you were sitting in as a witness in the baptismal font of the temple, and you looked up and saw me sitting on the front row of the pews, watching you. You said you knew it wasn't me physically, but I was there with you in spirit. I guess in a way I did see you right before you died.
I hope you watch over me from up in heaven. It doesn't fill the void, but I like to think you know me and are proud of me. Watch over mom, too. I think we both need you now more than ever.
I love my dad, I hope I see you again someday.
Love,
Malena
6 comments:
Malena that was beautiful.
Senf, you're simply grand. Thanks for the post, it reminds me of a few things I should be saying and doing.
Malena, that was so lovely. I'm so sorry for the loss you have suffered. I know your dad would want you to be happy and to love yourself. You're a wonderful person!! Did you know that Alfer still drives your dad's truck :) I will send you a pic if you like.
This is killer sad... I remember after my dad died, a year later I picked up the phone to call him; it took me a minute to realize that he wasn't available, and then the floodwaters hit and I really started grieving. Everybody grieves differently. I think it's good that you let some of the feelings out in this post--it has to be better than trying to hold them in; right?!
We all have so many regrets with our past. I always try to remember I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. I know both your parents love you so much. So do your relatives. Such a beautiful post.
hi malena i've beeen out of commision for awhile and am trying to catch up. this was so nice. so sad. i wish you could talk to him too:( don't have any regrets, he wouldn't want you to. he is so proud of you, how could he not be. your the best. let's hook up soon now that i'm a fellow arizonian! love you cutie
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